by James Coulter

You know, in hindsight, I should have known Red One was going to be a disaster. Despite its $250 million budget, the movie only grossed $32 million in the domestic box office and $165.8 million worldwide, making it the biggest box office bomb of 2024. In fact, the movie went straight to streaming, which meant I could have saved myself a ticket and watched it on Amazon Prime.

And yet, Red One had potential. It had all the biggest action movie stars: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Chris Evans, J.K. Simmons, and Lucy Lui. And the movie certainly looked campy enough that, even if it wasn’t good, it could have been so bad it’s good.

So what made this movie so bad? Why did the movie bomb so badly that it deserves coal for Christmas? Why did this movie end up becoming naughty rather than nice?

Red One stars J.K. Simmons as Santa Claus and The Rock as his assistant Callum. When St. Nick ends up being kidnapped from the North Pole, Callum assembles a special task force called E.L.F. (Extremely Large and Formidable) to save him. He conscripts the assistance of Chris Evans’ character, Jack O’Malley, a professional hack to help track down the Red One. Will they save Christmas? Or…well, it’s a Christmas movie, so you know the answer.

The best way I can describe Red One is that it’s a movie you would get if you tasked an edgy teenage boy (the type with posters of cars and bikini-clad chicks in their room and who watch nothing but action movies and Andrew Tate videos) with writing a script for a Christmas movie about saving Santa Claus–but because they’re too embarrassed to write about “kiddie stuff”, they try to make it “mature” and “cool”: a jacked Santa Claus who lifts mad weights, scenes shot at beaches with scantily-clad women, jacked-up snowmen and Krampuses with six packs, and plenty of action movie cliches you’d expect from a teenager who’s movie diet is nothing but action flicks.

On the surface, Red One is a campy action flick with a campy premise. So, even if it wasn’t going to be good, it had the potential to at least ironically be good—so bad it’s good. It certainly had a star-studded cast to pull it off, and admittedly, some of the action scenes were impressive. This movie could have easily been on par with a Marvel movi

Unfortunately, Red One’s biggest problem is that it doesn’t seem to know who its target audience is. On the one hand, the movie is silly and campy like a children’s movie; but on the other hand, it also has a lot of adult subject matter not suitable for younger audiences, what with alcoholic references, scantily-clad women, plenty of kicks to the crotch, and a lot of almost-swears. In the end, the movie comes across as too juvenile for adults and too adult for children.

Many other reviewers have pointed out that this movie is a prime example of everything wrong with Hollywood movies these days. The movie was undoubtedly expensive, one of the most expensive movies of the year, and yet it failed to generate box office revenue to compensate for its expensive budget. Exasperating matters even further is how this movie was originally intended to be released on streaming, so the overall quality looks made for television.

In the end, Red One is a Christmas film that prioritizes style over substance. Despite its glossy visuals, quippy comic book movie dialogue, and over-the-top action scenes, the story ends up being your typical run-of-the-mill plot about saving Santa Claus while learning about the “true” meaning of the holiday. Overall, it’s a Christmas tree that’s all bark and not real bite.